5: This is a wine that shocks the everlovin’ crap out of you. It makes you think, “I didn’t know wine could do that!” You immediately reach for the bottle to see what it is. If it’s under $25, you’re likely to clean out the store stock.
4: If you’re served a 4-rated wine, or happen upon it yourself, your immediate reaction is, “Wow, this is damn good! I need to get some more of this.” If it’s a 4 and under $10, you run back to the store to pick up a case.
3: You’ll see that many of our wines come out as 3s. 3s do not disappoint. 3 is a good rating. It’s just not enough to make you want to run back and pick up a lot more of the stuff.
2: If you opened this, you might continue drinking it, especially if you’ve already shared a few bottles. But it’s not a whole lot of fun. Friends that serve 2s consistently have bad taste or are uber-cheap.
1: A crappy wine even if you got it free. You can’t take those moments of your life back. If it’s a white, use it to scrub out the toilet. If it’s red, use it to dye clothing.
0: A wine so astoundingly bad that it warps the fabric of space and time. You wouldn’t want to pour it down the toilet, because it might cause those alligators in the sewers to turn into Godzilla.
Remember, you can also rate the wine yourself—the number of stars on the bottom of a review indicates your rating. Don’t agree with us? Fine, rate the wine yourself! Want to talk about why the wine sucks? Leave a comment. Just because we’re all about one-line wine reviews doesn’t mean you have to be.